I got accepted to Albany, for those who don't know yet. Yup, uber excited...and for the first time...completely terrified...I mean, I'm psyched to be out of highschool, and away from home but...I'm going to college alone...and I'm scared that when I come home to visit people...they won't want to see me. I'm afraid that everyone being away from everyone else is going to drive us farther apart than we already are and I'll lose all my friends. And mostly, I'm afraid I'll meet new friends at college and forget my old ones...and I'd hate myself forever.

And play practice, well that's fun...I'm a little concerned about Drama Club though...NOBODY'S volunteering for anything...I kinda don't think we'll be able to have a variety show...which sucks...

Oh, and I also just recieved some interesting news from a valuable resource. My mother is supposedly reading my livejournal. Well that's nice. Mother, if you're reading this, I hate you for it. If not, well then this is irrelevant. I write this for me and the few friends that take the time to care. Not for you. So you can stop sticking your nose into my personal life and leave me the hell alone. You have no reason to worry about me. I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking, I'm not running around like an uncontrollable teenager having wild sex and getting wasted at parties. So butt out. Thanks.

I think that's about it. Every post here on out will be friends only. My mother can go be a goddamn busybody someplace else.

Strike us like matches, cause everyone deserves the flames
We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame
At least everyone is trying, everyone is shining
Everyone deserves the flames but it's such a shame
Such a shame

Spent the whole day with Bry, played games mostly. Warcraft III and WoW. Completely dorky but it was alright. Just another day. Sunday to be exact. Which means school tomorrow.

I don't want to go. I will, but I don't want to. Every time I think about going to school lately, all I get are these horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach. The prospect of having to be around those that hate me, and having glares shot at me, or worse, smiles and friendly words from those I know for a fact don't think about me the way they say they do. It makes me feel sick, and I can't stand it.

But it's not quite as bad a feeling as walking into this house. It's not the school that I hate, just what happens there. But here...it's the very walls that make me hide under my blankets. Walking through the door might as well be walking through prison gates, because that's pretty much what this is. The windows may not be barred, but it seems I'm in shackles.

I have two houses, and both have ceased to feel like home. So I sit and wait and sleep and dream and watch life go by much to slowly. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get past this, or if this is someone's cruel joke. Sure, I have Bryan, probably the most wonderful thing to happen to me in a long time, but every time he walks out that door everything horrible floods right back to the front of my mind.

I came to a conclusion though. I can't fix things, and I'm too tired to try. People will hate me, people will lie, people will believe whatever they think is true, even if it's not what happened. And trying to change them would be like trying to get a pile of rocks to dance the electric slide. It's never going to happen. And I think I can deal with that. I won't like it, but I'm too tired to scream anymore. It's not worth it. I'm sick of beating a dead horse. I have enough to deal with otherwise.

I'm falling back into uber dorkness...I started playing Warcraft III today. Why? Because I can't afford WOW that's why. Yes, I would willingly play a game that steals your life. Why? Because it looks like fun :P

And I've started looking for everything online pertaining to Diablo III and it's release, if there even is one. I love being a nerd.

But playing games (and being with Bryan- he came over for a bit before work today) takes my mind off of things. It helps me to stop worrying about everything, and to stop getting angry. So that's good I guess. Well, I'm gonna go play more.

They call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
But for what we've become, we just feel more alone


Life keeps getting more confusing, but I suppose that's how it goes senior year, huh? Along with everything else that's been going on (I don't think I need to get into it right now), now I'm worrying about college. I still haven't gotten anything from SUNY Albany, which makes me nervous enough, but yesterday I found out that even if I DO get in, I'm going alone because Mar is going to GCC for two years first. College didn't feel scary till just that moment. I've been with Mar for thirteen years, and going to a big city school without her is kinda overwhelming. But I guess it's worth it. I mean, four hours away from my mother is good, right? And Bry has a car, and I can ride the bus, so it's not like I'll never see him. Assuming I get in of course. I'm really nervous about that. I don't really have any other schools I REALLY want to go to. I mean, I have a list of others to apply to: Fredonia, Oneonta, and maybe Buffalo. But still, I'm nervous.

Anyway, I've got stuff to do and Bry will be here soon, so I'm gonna go. Later.

I think things may be looking up. Seriously. I had an excellent weekend, I went on a mad shopping spree with Bryan friday night, had major fun bowling with him and Cody on Saturday night, and just chilled today. Tomorrow's the bowl-a-thon, which equals even more joy. Wheee....and starbucks after. And then this week I only have to suffer a few more days of government. All I need to do is pass, and it's over forever. YAY!

And, great news as well. Ann...is dating Vito. Now, please don't think bad of me for saying this. I really am happy for her. Because now, maybe she'll start to realize that this is highschool. And this happens. And she can be happy if she tries. I really do hope they're happy together, I really do. As...aggrivating as she's been lately, there's still a part of me that's sad to lose her as a friend. But then again, maybe I'm sad about losing the Ann I lost a long time ago. The Ann that disappeared behind the black eyeshadow and heavy metal music. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against either of those things, but I tend to hold onto the past, and I miss the person she used to be. And, ironically, the same thing happened between Vito and I. I spent so long trying to hold on the old Vito, the little boy Alex from primary school, that I refused to face the fact that he was a different person until it was too late. Eventually I just saw him as an entirely different person. I guess that's what's happening with Ann. Although, given the circumstances, I don't think a second stab at a friendship is possible. I'd like to try, but I'm not sure I can just "kiss and make up" with someone I know thinks horrible things about me.

And maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing to be called a slut and a whore. I guess it really isn't. But it hurt...coming from her it hurt just as much as a friend dating your ex. I kinda just wish people would talk to my face. If they have a problem with the way I dress or act, tell me instead of throwing it in the gunney sack and shoving it in my face later on. I want to know.

But as I was saying, I think things are looking up. And to Ann and Vito, although I don't think either of you read this or even know if this journal exists, I wish you luck and happiness.

And the rest of you, should wish ME luck at the bowl-a-thon. Cause I kinda need it. A lot.

It’s been exactly one month (give a couple hours) since my last entry. Not that it makes much difference, anyone who bothers to read this probably sees me enough in person to know what’s been going on in my life.

It’s pretty much a disaster zone.

And yet, it’s not. Despite the fact that I’m failing government, I didn’t get a big part in the musical, my one last chance at directing a play this year was crushed, my family is driving me completely crazy, I still haven’t heard from SUNY Albany, and I’m suddenly loathed and despised, for the most part…I feel great.

It’s odd, to feel hated and loved at the same time. To have both ends of the spectrum closing in at full speed. But I think it’s worth it.

However, I’m a little concerned about some things. If one person thinks these horrible things about me, how many else? What do my friends really see when they look at me? I wonder. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but…it seems I can’t help it. If I come across as a “whore” or a “slut” to one person…then to how many others? Is it really my fault, or do these opinions just come out of nowhere? Should I be doing something differently, or not caring about these opinions at all? It’s confusing, and I’m not sure how to handle it all. For example, some of my photoshop self-portraits. Do they come across as art and expression as they were meant to? Or do they just further people’s opinions that I’m a desperate slut? I seriously wonder if I should just stop them entirely, and take down what I have up.

I should probably stop thinking like this. It makes me depressed. And I haven’t been very depressed lately, and I love it. I’ve been happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!

Okay so the party's changed AGAIN. Ann's house this time. I'm so tempted to just call it off entirely...It's causing way too much stress and drama...

Okay, so my birthday party is back on, sort of. It's at Tim's house starting at 9:30. But some of us are going to Becca's beforehand. So, I guess things are looking up, just a little.

I almost stayed home today. Johanna wasn't driving, and I didn't want to get out of bed to make the bus. So I asked Bryan if he could give me a ride, but he didn't respond. So by the time 7:15 rolled around I was pretending to get ready for school and planning on staying home, because, well...I honestly didn't feel like talking to people today. I've been feeling like that a lot. There are very few days I actually feel like I need to be around people anymore. There are certain people I want to see, but in general, I don't usually want to see the rest of the world. If that makes sense. But Bryan eventually picked up his phone (he'd fallen asleep) and he came to pick me up. We were JUST on time.

Gym today sucked as usual. I felt kinda sick, you know, when stuff's just going wrong and it makes your stomach hurt just to think about it? Normally when I'm upset about something, I actually play better in gym class, cause I try to distract myself. But today, I was having enough trouble staying on my feet. And of course, we're playing volleyball, one of my worst sports. I can't hit that ball worth shit, and my head is pretty much a volleyball magnet. And every time I serve it comes up just short of the net.

It seems I'm always coming up just short, in everything.

I think I'm slowly becoming a pessimist.

I'm not having a birthday party this friday. Because my mother hates me. Spread the word.




















Just one more year...and I can start all over again. Just till september...God I hope I survive.